Leela
Dnes | 813 | |
Včera | 1876 | |
Týždeň | 813 | |
Mesiac | 25838 | |
Celkom | 3706725 |
Movie Transcript: BWBB |
The Beast with a Billion Backs
Narrator: Previously on Futurama.
Morbo: It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted.
Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be? Farnsworth: Somewhere between not at all and entirely. Zoidberg: I call entirely. [He springs up, flipping the table upside down and knocking food and beverages all over the four on the couch. He whoops and scuttles his way out of the room.] Morbo: Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all! Linda: And now with sports, here's Sportsbot 5000.
SportsBot 5000: All sports cancelled.
Farnsworth: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens. Giant Medium-Sized Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup. Farnsworth: Quiet, you. [He pulls a switch down. A giant magnifying glass focuses a beam of light from the anomaly onto Farnsworth's head. His forehead to the tip of his upper lip is blasted by fire. Farnsworth screams and Leela sighs and flips the switch to "off." She pulls out a fire extinguisher and puts out the Professor's head.]
Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen. ALL: Hello! Amy: I like your shoes. Bender (Laughing): This is awkward. Introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag. Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'II turn him off. Bender: Hey, you can't (voice slowing)turn me off... Leela: Hi. I'm Leela. Colleen: Hi, Leela, hi, everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat? Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes. [He picks up a stack of pancakes with Fry's blood acting as a syrup.] Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny Village. [The two kiss, then exit the room.]
Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs. Leela: It is pretty sickening. Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.
Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet? Fry: Well...
Fry: Something about seeing it on the Jumbotron makes it so much more real.
Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end? Fry: I have a thought. [Cut to the two of them in bed, both smiling. Fry blows a bubble with his gum and it pops around his mouth.]
Bender: This is gonna be juicy. What? Oh, man! Amy: Speaking of sappy love... Want to tell them, Kiffy? Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I... That is, we... Oh, I'm just so excited. Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru. [She hugs Kif.] Zoidberg: Mazel tov! Farnsworth: Wonderful!
Hermes: What the hell does that mean? Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of. Kif: Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever. Bender: [He gasps.] That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in. [Leela turns Bender off again. He falls to the floor in a static pose.]
Kif: Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family? Mr. Wong: You can't borrow money. Mrs. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs? [She squashes a bug on her neck Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The finial stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.
Mr. Kroker: Welcome. Mrs. Wong: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh? Mr. Kroker: That was my left testicle. Bender: [Outside of the conversation] And the awkward meter goes up another notch. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding...
Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas. Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered. Fry: Me, too. Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers. [He drops a frog in each, the beverage begins to react with it and overflow.]
Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes? Leela: Nothing would revolt me more. Zapp: Then how about that shrub?
Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun.
Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Priestess. Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife? Grand Midwife: And the grand Lunch Lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kif of the clan Kroker, please transcend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru. Kif: What? Grand Midwife: Get in the mud. This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. [She swirls her staff around in the mud and pushes on Amy's and Kif's forehead, leaving a mark of mud.] As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker.
Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it.
Grand Midwife: Is the best man present? Zapp: Guilty as charged. Grand Midwife: Kindly hose the couple.
Grand Midwife: [Holding up a snake.] As it was, so it is. You may now eat the snake. [The two grab, then take a bite of the snake.] If you so choose. [They both spit it out.] It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet.
Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? [He devours the bouquet in colleen's hands.]
Bender: [From the living room couch] Fry, run, run. Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God! Fry: What? What is it? Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV!
Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime. Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.
Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon. Calculon: Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique? Monique: I tried to, but I couldn’t. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers! Bender: How's Calculon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? Fry? Fry: [Adjusting his tie in the mirror] Don't know, Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run. Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right?
Carnival Barker: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket. [Fry and Colleen are sitting in a ride car.] Keep your hands in the car, shut up, and have fun.
Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D. Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment. [Shot of Colleen as a line segment.] Fry: A really hot line segment. So, listen, sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step. Colleen: Really? Fry: Yes. Colleen...will you be moved in with by me? Colleen: (SOFT GASP)
Amy: Way to go. Zoidberg: Hooray, hooray. Leela: That's great.
Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? [He curls into a ball at Fry's feet.] I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. (WHIMPERING)
Farnsworth: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly. Hermes: The what? Oh, right. Farnsworth: But there's good news! We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference.
Man walking on screen: ...like a city made of marshmallow.
Stephen Hawking: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket. Leela (embarrassed): Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you I would have done something with my hair. [She plays with her hair.] Stephen Hawking: You should have. [Cut to Stephen Hawking speaking to an auditorium full of scientists listening to him. A display behind him displays the Anomaly.] Stephen Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it.
Farnsworth (standing up): I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives? [Cut to] Stephen Hawking: No. [Cut to] Farnsworth: I say we must mount an expedition to the anomaly forthwith. Wernstrom (standing up): I agree. [Cut to] Farnsworth: Wernstrom! [Cut to] Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can... [Yelps as he is hit on the head with a pair of dentures.] [Cut to Professor snapping his fingers at Leela, indicating a replacement is needed. She puts a pair of dentures in his mouth.] Farnsworth: Don't listen to that crackpot! Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you. Farnsworth: I'll make you eat those words, you moron! [He spits his dentures into his hand and prepares to throw them, but Hermes and Leela stop him from doing so.] Wernstrom: Ah! [Protects himself with his arms.] I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation.
[Cut to] Farnsworth: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable. The PE Crew (standing up): Yeah! Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal. Crowd: Ooh! [Cut to] Stephen Hawking: Ooh! Farnsworth: Wernstrom, I ought to...
Stephen Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science. Professor (sitting down): Very well.
Professor (VO): Let Deathball begin!
Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express! Wernstrom: Go even more, my team! [The crowd is cheering. Cut to Hermes running across screen from a ball. Five players from Wernstrom team push a ball into a hole and the hole lights up red. Fry looks at the scoreboard. "Farnsworth: 0 - Wernstrom: 1." A ball heads down a wall toward him.] Fry: Leela, header! [He prepares to knock it over to Leela, but it easily tramples over him. Cut to Bender smoking a cigar. A ball hits him, but he doesn't move. It bounces off him then hits a wall and rolls into a hole. The hole lights up blue. Cut to the scoreboard: "1-1." Cut to Fry riding on top of a ball. He manoeuvres it around a hole and heads toward an opponent riding another ball.] Colleen (with two beers in her hands): Woo hoo! Bust those balls!
Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good! [He is run over from behind by a ball.]
Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that! Bender: No crap. My grandmother was a bulldozer.
[Cut to] Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end.
Colleen: Come here, winner!
Colleen (looking at one of Wernstrom's players): Come here, loser! [She kisses him.] Fry (confused): Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here. Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly! Fry (confused): I thought I was your boyfriend. Colleen: You are. Fry (confused): Well, how can you have two boyfriends? Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. [Three more men walk in and stand next to Chu.] Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo.
Chu: Nihow. Ndulu: Greetings. Bolt: Pleasure. Fry: But... But... Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my apartment tonight. Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy!
Fry: Hmm? [He spits a piece of butterscotch into his hand.] Chu: There's my butterscotch.
Farnsworth: Congratulations, Deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly! Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom! Farnsworth: No. [He inserts a crank and turns it to power a hologram of the Anomaly.] Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is. Hermes: Not dangerous at all? Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed. Hermes: That is quite dangerous! Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas! [Pan to] Enema Bot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.
Fry: I don't know what to do, Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends? Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters? Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator. Zoidberg (walking by): Take the deal, Fry! If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake? Amy (with Kif): Only one thing matters, Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle? [She squeezes him and his head expands and eyes expand out of his head. He giggles. Fry: Yeah. I do love her. Kif (high pitched voice): Then things will work out. [Amy lets go of him and he contracts to normal size, but one eye remains out. Amy pokes it and it pops back to normal size.] [Cut to] Farnsworth: Whoa! Enema Bot: Double espresso for Philip Fry? Fry (standing up): Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen!
Kif: Good for you, Fry. Zoidberg: Hooray! Amy: Alright! Fry: I'll just take that to go. [He is poured a coffee and it's handed to him.]
Colleen: Yay! [She hugs Fry.] Welcome to your new home! Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. [They walk through the doors.] I'm just happy to be here with you.
Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake?
Bender(VO): (Gasps) The anomaly!
Amy: It's so anomalous. Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads!
Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see... Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner. Hermes (saluting Farnsworth): Yes, sir! [He drops his pants and grasps the phone between his buttocks.] Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam! [Hermes slams the phone down and the screen goes to static.]
Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. [She pours the wine into six glasses.] I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police. Fry (toasting Colleen): Here's to you. Chu: Me? Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast. Chu: Sorry. Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes I think I... Ndulu: Thank you. Fry: I'm not talking to you! Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either. Schlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little? I want to hear what he has to say! Fry: Thank you. Schlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages. Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever. Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs) Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay? All: Yeah. Chu: Yeah, you're right. Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice. Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. [A car horn honks. Colleen runs toward the door.] There he is. Don't wait up! Fry (angrily): That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you! [Musical score is played. Colleen looks as Fry sadly and he retains his anger.] Ndulu: Me?
Bender (stammering): Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? [He looks over at the crew, who are expectedly staring back at him.] What's everybody looking at me for?
Bender: "Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks." Leela: Really? Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks, and there's a $10-mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings. Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin mon. It's just a cartoon for babies. Bender: Oh, yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? [She airlock doors shut and Bender's voice is muffled.] Answer that with your precious logic.
Bender (within inches of the anomaly): Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. (yelling) Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal... [He thrusts his ass into the anomaly, but he and the ship are shot away from it by a pink blast. Everybody is screaming and bricks fall out of Bender.]
Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box. BENDER: "The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!" So that's what happened. Amy: Hey, Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up. Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly... Calculon (entering the room): Greetings, sick fan. Bender: (Gasps) TV's Calculon! (He coughs) Calculon: [Paparazzi's take pictures of Calculon through the open door. He walks over to Bender's side and knees down.] You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And... Scene! There, that was some free acting for you. [He walks toward the door.] Ordinarily, to see acting like that, you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial. [To Judge Ron Whitey.] That fulfills my community service, right? Ron Whitey (He sits in a wheelchair with casts on his arms, leg, and bandages on his head.): Charges of running me over are hereby dismissed! [He slams his gavel on his leg cast and the cast shatters. Pause.] Ow!
Colleen (sobbing): Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together!
Schlomo: Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here. Colleen (happily): Just a sec, honey!
Bender: I'm back, idiots! [They all cheer.] Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robut! I wish I could afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [He sneezes a green mucus all over the table in front of him.] Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. [He removes his wheels and hangs them on the coat rack.] His visit really inspired me. [He walks over to the Conference Table.] I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that? Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker! Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony. Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out. [He types on the keyboard in front of Farnsworth.] Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fan site! There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office!
Plastic Surgeon: There, that's as big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic.
Calculon: You let me worry about that! Just do your job. Plastic Surgeon: Very well. Will you be using your SAG insurance? Calculon: No, cash. [He holds out a wad of bills.] I'd like to be discreet. [The door slams open with Bender and other clamouring photographers snapping pictures of Calculon's pride.] Dear God, no! Bender: Neat! [He takes a photo.] Man: Get a shot of that. Fatbot (standing outside "Robot Plastic Surgery"): Oh boy, oh boy, he's here. [A crowd is flooding in the doors.] Crazed Fan: Calculon, I love you! Have my baby! Calculon: Back, you lunatic! [He pushes her face and she falls over.] Crazed Fan: He touched me! Bender: Sign my ass! [He pulls out his ass plate and a pen as Calculon dashes off with a blanket. Surrounded by the mob, be grabs the surgeon and hurls him at the crowd. Crashes are heard. Bender groans.]
Farnsworth (sniffing)(VO): Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the Calamitorium! [Leela, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg rush in. Zoidberg is whooping.] Leela, smell this. Leela: Can I wipe it off first? Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time!
Leela (sniffing): Hmm. Smells like angel dust. [She pulls off the spouts and a "pop" is heard.] Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize.
Wernstrom: Ogden Wernstrom speaking. Farnsworth (whispering): Tell him I'm not here! Leela: Professor! Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration? Wernstrom: Sir, I'd be honoured. [He stands up from his chair to reveal he is wearing a purple thong.]
Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. [He pulls a Pocket Pal out of his lab coat.] Observe. Pocket Pal: Play time is fun time. Wernstrom (while hurling the robot into the anomaly): Not this time. Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier! Wernstrom (while opening a barrel labelled "Lab Animals"): But note what happens when I instead throw this laboratory koala. [The Koala gnaws on his sleeve. he tosses the animal into the anomaly, but it passes through unscathed and flies out the window.] Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. [A thud is heard.] So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't? Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly. Farnsworth: Then we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots. Wernstrom: Agreed.
Farnsworth: Play time is fun time.
Calculon: Who are you? Bender: Bender, your biggest fan. Calculon: Are you going to murder me? Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see? [He pulls a crudely constructed piece of himself and Calculon playing Ping Pong.] Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker. Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams. [Calculon turns the lights off and his eyes close, but Bender's do not. Instead they extend out towards Calculon's eyes. Calculon opens his eyes and looks at Bender's as they quickly move even closer to his own.
Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. (spiteful tone) Wernstrom, (normal tone) I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe. Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969. Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men. Farnsworth: But... Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter.
Nixon: People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. (To Kif) Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. [Kif steps into the hole and sighs.] (To crowd) Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
Wernstrom: Give science a chance! Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations! Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them, Chief O'Hallahan. Colleen: Yes, sir! [She blows a whistle as Smitty, URL and herself run toward the two protestors. The three begin clonking Wernstrom and Farnsworth on the head with night sticks that resemble light sabres. Cut to Fry watching Colleen beat Wernstrom in slow motion. Her helmet falls off and her long hair flies around her head as she goes in for another hit. And another. Cut back to Fry with Leela in a crowd.] Fry (sobbing): I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever. Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.
Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie. Zapp (grabbing/covering his groin): That's just a fungal infection... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif. Kif: Goodbye, my love. [He is pulled away as the ground he stands on move them onto the ship. The engines start up and the Nimbus departs with an escort of heli/hover-copters.] Bender (to Calculon): Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering) The League of Robots. Calculon: (He laughs.) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots? Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honour when a rude human brings a blush to a robo-virgin's cheek? Calculon: No one. Bender: Oh. [Zoom into a close-up of Bender's face to see a tear run down his cheek. Cut to Amy standing alone, watching the Nimbus leave for space. She turns around to face the screen and a tear runs down her cheek. Cut to Farnsworth, still being beaten by the three officers. A tear runs down his cheek. Cut to a shot of the Nimbus flying with its escort, zoom into a window labelled "Stowaway Hatch 35: Unauthorized Access Only" to reveal Fry standing in it. He looks back to face Earth and a tear runs down his cheek.]
Bender (VO): Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender.
Zoidberg: Ow.
Suicide Booth: Please select mode of death. Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please. Suicide Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional $10, would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller? Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself.
Zapp: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile. Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M. [He grabs a small hammer hanging on the wall and breaks the glass protecting a larger hammer hanging on the wall. He grabs the larger hammer and smashes the glass protecting a large red button. He presses the button and a missile is loaded for fire in the bridge. Alarms are blaring.] Zapp: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
Bender (tapping his foot): Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom!
Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt. [A receipt is printed out and it lands on a large pile of other receipts.]
Bender: What's... What's happening?
Hooded Robot: Kneel before the candle. Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone! Hooded Robot: Bender Bending Rodriguez...
Calculon: [He removes his hood.] Welcome to the League of Robots!
Zapp: Ready? [Kif positions his finger over the launch button.] And... Fi-... [Kif hesitates to push the button. Zapp laughs.] Almost fooled you there. [Kif sighs.] Fire! [Kif scrambles and presses the button. The missile tries to launch, but it is jammed. Alarms begin blaring.] Francine: Missile jam. Missile jam. Zapp: I heard you the first time, Francine. Francine: Sorry. Zapp: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear. [Kif sighs.] And stop sighing so much. [Kif sighs again.]
Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League? Bender: Worthier than the average robot. Calculon: Then prove it. [Two doors slide open to reveal a very long and large stairway lit by torches.] Upon each step is a test. Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass. Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug! [British Robot places a mug on the first step.] British Robot: Quite right, quite so. ALL: Drink the mug! Drink the mug! Bender: I accept your challenge. [He downs the beer and tosses the mug aside.] ALL: Hurray!
Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon! ALL: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon! Bender: Are all the tests going to involve drinking? Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes. Bender: Wohoo! Just like med school! [He drinks from the flagon and the robots cheer.]
Zapp: Ready yet, Kif? Kif (tinkering with the missile, legs hanging out of the missile bay): Just give me one more... [Zapp is already pressing FIRE repeatedly. Interior shot of the missile bay shows the missile begin to correctly launch and the hatch closes. In the process, Kif's arms became stuck in the missile and his legs became stuck in the hatch door.] Kif: Oh, no. [The missile launches and Kif's legs stretch longer and longer as he moves with the missile toward the anomaly. He is constantly groaning.]
Billionaire Bot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000-year-old brandy. [A eye dropper is used to extract a drop of the brandy from a crystal bottle and he drops it in a wine glass. Bender grabs the glass, sips the brandy, crushes the glass in his hands and grabs the bottle from Billionaire Bot. He drinks all of the brandy and throws the bottle into his mouth, then belches fire and ignites Billionaire Bot's hat. Calculon opens a steel door.] Calculon: Presenting our newest member. [He moves aside to show Bender.]
Robot: That's right, baby! Bender: Hot diggity daffodil!
Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye.
Kif: Hello. So, how are you, Fry? Fry: Pretty good. You? Kif: [He is pulled back towards the ship by his elastic legs.] Well... Oh.
Zapp: Mmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this! [He licks the goo off his lips with his tongue.]
Amy (sobbing): At least Kiffy died quickly. Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death. Amy (sobbing): That's so interesting! Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. What's her problem? Somebody die or something? Leela: Kif's dead, Bender. Bender: Nailed it!
Zapp: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker. [He holds a framed picture in front of her face. Kif is splattered against a wall, rocket in his chest and one arm squished off.] Mrs. Wong: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy. Mrs. Kroker: Thank you for your kind words. Mr. Wong: [He sprays a breath mind into his mouth.] Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavour, taste like pie. [He sprays both Mr. and Mrs. Kroker once and both of them cough while flying hook worms drop to the ground.] Bender: [He places a wreath of flowers on Kif's urn labelled "L.O.R."] This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know.
Grand Midwife: I am the grand funeral director! Zoidberg: Do you validate parking? Grand Midwife: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives its own bulboid. [She grabs Kif's urn.] So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors. [She unscrews the jar and turns it over but the goo does not drop out. She shakes it multiple times.] Leela: Whack the bottle!
Hermes: No, from the bottom ! It works better!
Amy (sobbing): Just stick a butter knife in it! Grand Midwife: [She removes the goo with a butter knife.] There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote.
Bender (interrupting the song): Next!
Amy: It may sound strange, but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad. Leela: Mutilation is never easy. Amy (crying): I don't think I'll ever love again. Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life. Zapp: Surprise! [He motions for a kiss with his lips, but Leela punches him in the face with both hands.]
Fry: Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away. [His Oxygen Pack displays "OXYGEN SYSTEM FAILURE" on the screen accompanied by a beeping noise, but a bolt of lightening quickly blows out the screen.]
URL: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor. [He turns off the laser bars.] Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal? URL: [He shrugs.] She looked like a freak to me.
Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted. [She pulls a pink, multi-level cake out from under the table, points to her eye and blinks.] Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking? Leela: [She sighs and pulls out a pair of LED glasses that have two eyes on the front. She uses them to wink at the two jailers.] Hang on a second. Farnsworth: Got it!
Bender: Ahh, yes, I'm here to repair my horse. Shop Owner: Is the horse's name (whispers) Hot Beans? Bender: No! I mean, yes.
British Robot: So it seems a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it... Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on! British Robot: As it drained away, he said... He said, Take me to a dock. No doubt he intended to say doctor, but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.
Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy! Hedonism Bot: Quite! Billionaire Bot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? [He holds out his monocle.] Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know! Hedonism Bot: Oh, how repulsively decadent! Billionaire Bot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident. Bender: May I see that for a second? [He grabs it from Billionaire Bot and examines it while walking over to a table.] My, but that's interesting! [He places it on the table and beats it with a fire pit shovel until it bursts, and then some. The other robots are stunned.] Hedonism Bot: I say! Billionaire Bot: I'm blind! Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically... Bender: [He pulls a book out of his robe titled "Robot's Rules of Order."] May I make a point of order, President Calculon? Calculon: Must you? Bender: Yes. Bender: The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! If he has a human part, he's part human! Hedonism Bot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta !
British Robot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll go far in this organization. Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender. [He taps on his empty glass and Boxy immediately moves from filling Calculon's glass to fill Bender's. Calculon scowls at Bender.]
Wernstrom: Curses! If we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver. Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver! [He groans as he yanks a screwdriver out of his back.] Yes! Wernstrom: A little more. A little less. Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this! Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention! Wernstrom: We must notify the President at once! Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison!
Farnsworth: Pazuzu! Pazuzu: [He lands next to them and they grab onto his front legs.] You have one wish left, Professor.
Guard #1: I think I got him !
Guard #2: Mmm-hmm. That's what you get for letting your guard...
Nixon: Sometimes... Always... Never! You again? This better be damned important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey! Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!
Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky! Hermes: It's a bird! Hattie McDoogal: It's a plane! Super Hero: I am so out of here! [He flies off screen.]
Electronic Voice: Incoming call from Mars. Amy (sadly): Hello? Mrs. Wong: Why you so sad, Amy? Amy: My husband died, Mom ! Mrs. Wong: Yeah, yeah, snap out of it already. No one likes a widow. [A pink tenticle enters the video on the telephone.] Oh, wait. Hang on. Some damn tentacle got in the screen door. [She pushes the tentacle out of the screen, but it fights back and the call goes to static and then a dial tone.]
Electronic Voice: Collect call from Decapod 10. Will you pay for color? Zoidberg: No! Uncle Zoid! What's new? You still doing theatre for the blind and deaf? Uncle Zoid: Screw them. I got a part in a fancy DVD movie! It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up like you wouldn't believe. [A, probably pink, tentacle enters the room and attacks Uncle Zoid.] What crummy sin have I committed to be chastised in such a crazy manner? [There is a final frame where Uncle Zoid looks crazy and a tentacle is behind him, then the phone goes to static.] Zoidberg (franticly): Hello? Hello? Call me back on my shell phone! [He grabs his shell phone and patiently holds it to his ear.]
Zapp (VO): Captain's log, star date, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's. [Cut to a shot of Zapp sitting in a booth next to a window controlling the Nimbus with a joystick. The anomaly and tentacles can be seen through the window to his left.] Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more.
Nixon: The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time.
Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard Diamondium! Wernstrom: Diamondium? (He scoffs.) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked Diamondillium is twice as hard! Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft! Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide!
Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is.
Bender (standing in front of the fireplace): So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans? Calculon: Never. Bender: But what about our motto? [A shot of a plaque above the fireplace that says "KILL ALL HUMANS!"] Doesn't it mean anything?
Calculon: Oh, Bender, your idealism is heart-warming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout. British Robot: Quite sick indeed. Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender. [He pats Bender on the head and flicks his antenna. Bender looks up at Calculon evilly.]
Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable Diamondillium sphere complete! [The crowd cheers and Wernstrom waves to them.] Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know... [Shattering glass is heard and a tentacle is through the sphere.] It was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom!
H. G. Blob: It's horrible!
Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go on without me! [Pull back to reveal he's holding onto Leela's boot.] Leela: I'm trying! [She struggles to pull him, but slowly does.] Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!
Hermes: Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry! Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs!
Fry: Silence! [The crowd goes quiet.] I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence. [Cut to] Randy: Finally. Fry (who is now shown on the Jumbotron): Thou shalt love the tentacle! [Cut to] Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another. [Establishing shot of New New York. The city has three large spouts of tentacles coming through the sphere that spread all over the city. Cut back to Fry hovering above the stage.] Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! [Tentacles enter into the crowd through the fire hydrants.] Open your necks and receive the love!
Warden Vogel: Ow, my neck!
Morgan Proctor: Ow, my neck!
Fishy Joe: My neck feels perfectly... [A tentacle attaches to his neck.] Ow, my neck!
Mayor Poopenmeyer: Someone help me! I'm important! [The tentacle attacks him.] Say, I love the tentacle. Hattie McDoogal: [She is attacked as well.] I also love the neck-a-majigger!
Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [He is attacked by a tentacle.] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [He is pulled through the doggy door by the tentacle.]
Hermes: It got Zoidberg! Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle." Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed. Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak. [A laser points at his forehead.] Leela (pointing a gun at Fry): I'm listening. Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. [He grabs part of the tentacle that is attached to him and pets it.] It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it. [A second laser appears on his forehead and a cocking gun is heard.] Leela (pointing two guns at Fry): Aw. That's so nice for both of you. Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by (quoting the syllables) "Hollywood." But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. [He looks up at the anomaly. Leela slips off her boot and pulls out another gun to aim at Fry's forehead while he turned away. A third laser appears on his forehead.] Only when the space anomaly opened could it finally express a billion years of longing. Leela: [She pulls the guns away from him.] Really? It loves us that much? Fire Diamondium cannon!
Fry: Hey! [He yelps as he's constantly swung out of harm's way. Leela: No effect. The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra. Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you Diamondium was worthless! Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap Diamondillium and look at this.
Wernstrom: Uh-oh. Hermes: What oh? Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from our universe can cut through it. Not Diamondium, not Diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! (To Wernstrom:) She's a terrible cook. (To All:) Anyway, we're all dead.
Bender: [He sighs.] So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset!
Fry: What, Bender? Is something wrong? Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies." Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. [A shot of Fry's back reveals the tentacle reaching from Fry's upper neck to lower spine in a very scar-like manner.] I've been kind of preoccupied. Bender: With what? Fry (While putting on his vestment.): Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion. Bender: Weren't you already pope of something? Fry: [He puts on his Pope hat.] No. Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show an interest in my life, too. Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China. [He squeezes/yanks on the tentacle and is yanked through the window of the apartment and out into space.]
Linda (Screaming): They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! (Calm) Morbo? [Cut to] Morbo: As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain.
Linda: Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing.
Leela: Amy? Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. [She points to a land squid as it squeals and shuffles back into a hole in the wall. She sighs as she walks over to the cocoffee machine.] I better have some cocoffee.
Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen! Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room! [Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Wernstrom go through the door while Leela holds off the pursuing tentacles.]
Fry: Well done, people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!
The Funkalistics: [They harmonize.] (singing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented! Amy: Invented what? Farnsworth: [He holds up half of a toilet paper tube with an elastic attached to each side.] The neck protector, [He holds up a smaller version.] the neck protector junior, and now, for a limited time, [He holds up a version with a flower on it.] the lady neck protector!
Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge.
Farnsworth (Typing on the keyboard.): We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies. [A diagrams on the screen shows a dotted line disappearing from around the building. "SECURITY SYSTEM OFFLINE" flashes on the screen.] Leela: [She examines the invention.] Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes. Farnsworth: So? [The hangar doors retract open.] Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. [Farnsworth looks back to the keyboard and screen and Leela spots a tentacle in Farnsworth's neck.] Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish... Leela: It got the professor!
Hermes: Wait, why am I screaming? It got me, too! [He floats up to Farnsworth.]
Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love!
Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore. Amy (Crying): I'm scared! And I miss Kif! Leela: It's okay to cry, Amy. Come here, I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps. [They hug.] Zapp: [He pops the top of his head out of a dumpster.] Mmm. What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation. Leela: Zapp? Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have much time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this keh-sih-dill-uh. [He places the Mexican treat on his head and saunters back down into the dumpster. Hermes floats into the alley with a gang of tentacles around him. Amy, Leela and Zapp gasp.] Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster? [Zapp whimpers.]
Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in! Zoidberg: Do it already! [He motions at someone.]
Fry: Hello, Colleen. Colleen: Fry, please! Colleen: If this is about your futon, I sold it to pay the phone bill that you skipped out on!
Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen? Colleen: Come on, Fry, this isn't cool! Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world! Colleen: You know what? It's true! You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke," as you so often claimed. [Fry is aghast.] And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything! Fry (Raising into the air with clenched fists.): Oh, yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. [He lowers down to her.] (Calm) I completely agree! Colleen (Confused): You, you... What? Fry (Walking with Colleen.): Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe? Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really... [Fry moves a tentacle in front of her face and she shrieks as it grabs onto her neck.] Fry: Love the tentacle, honey. Colleen: I do love the tentacle. Fry: Come on out, guys! [Chu, Schlomo, Ndulu and Bolt come out of hiding.] There's enough love for everybody! [They all hug and raise into the air higher.] Zoidberg: Aw. [He throws up salt water fish and a duck with water into two buckets. The duck flaps it feathers and quacks.]
Amy: We're trapped!
Leela (Into her Wristlomojacker): Help, help! Is anyone out there? Bender (Over Leela's Wristlomojacker): Bender to Leela. I read you. [Pull out, Bender is leaning against the wall a couple of feet away from them.] (Direct) 'Sup, bigboots? Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide! Amy: Please! Zapp: Pretty please! Bender (Laughing): You humans are so cute when you're scared. In here. Destructor (Leaning against a building): My leg feels funny!
Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed. Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny!
Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt. Leela: Sorry. Zapp: [A close view of his face. It is moving back and forth.] Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me. [Pull back to reveal it is a actuator ramming into the back of his head.] Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad? British Robot: Please do. I fear I'll catch a rust from this awful damp.
Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour!
Bender: Death to humans!
Destructor: My leg feels better! Amy: Hi, Bender. Calculon: Bender, you know these humans? Bender: Of course not! Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? [He rushes them towards a hallway.] Go, go, go! Leela (While running away.): Thanks for everything, Bender! [A bookshelf slides in front of the path they escaped from.] Bender: Death to all of you! Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much. Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper.
British Robot (Laughing): Quite right. Calculon (Laughing): It's okay, Bender, to err is human.
Bender: Sir, you forget yourself!
Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor. Hedonism Bot: Oh, my... [He puts his hand on his forehead and faints, falling onto Boxy and crushing him. Boxy frantically beeps, but they slow in speed and pitch and eventually stop.]
Zapp: Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin. Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin! Zapp: Even so.
Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition. Zapp: [He drinks a ladle-full of soup.] Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.
Amy (Sobbing)': Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!
Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy. Amy: You miss him, too? Zapp: [He sits next to her.] More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant, for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table. Amy: Really? Zapp (sobbing): Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. [Amy looks around.] Do you feel his presence? Amy (Crying): I'm not sure. Zapp: It's over here. [Amy moves closer to Zapp and looks around more.] Closer.
Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup!
Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first. [Two tentacles sneak up behind the two of them and Leela points at them. She is too scared to speak.] As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today at 4:00?
Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad. Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove.
Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula.
Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston.
Leela: No, it can't be. [The lights flick on.] Farnsworth (With many tentacles behind him): Leela, what's your favourite thing about the tentacle? [He gasps and the tentacles react to it.] You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love!
Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff moves up and down and a slide whistle is heard.] Fry: The tentacle monster is about to address the world. It's too serious. Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff moves down and a slide whistle is heard again.] Leela (From the doorway): Hello, Fry. Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas? Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by. Fry: What's that? Leela: I love the tentacle. [She turns a little to reveal a tentacles is in her neck.]
Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two... What? We're already rolling? Fry: Love the tentacle! ALL: Love the tentacle! Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name. Morbo: What is our love's name? Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she," we are to use the word "shklee." And instead of "him" or "her," we are to use the word "shklim," or "shkler." Hermes: Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week. Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!
Colleen: Yay, Yivo!
Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma. Zoidberg: Where? Yivo: Here. Zoidberg: I had a hunch. Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one. [On the Jumbotron, people are watching him.] For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting, [On a TV on the Nude Planet Bar.] but then I looked across immensity [On a TV in Lrrr's house.] and saw the big bang, and I was, like, [Back at the church.] "Whoa, who's that?" And I knew then that I was lonely. Morbo (Crying): You poor monster! Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch. Leela: [She stands up.] Hey, Yivo, feel this.
Yivo: Ow! Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news. Yivo: Hey, butt out! This is between me and everyone else in existence. Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing... Hermes: What shklee's actually doing. Leela: ...is mating with you! [The congregation murmurs to each other. She pulls out and holds up the sample she used.] These aren't tentacles. They're genticles. Fry: Ew! [Exterior shot of the church. The tentacles entering it are being moved and pulled on. Interior shot, where Fry is ripping off his robe.] We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv. Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord. Fry: Get him! [He points at his own face.] Hermes: You mean, get shklim!
Fry: Hey, wait a second.
Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. [Hermes kicks Fry again and Yivo groans.] Granted, at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap one with your universe, [Yivo/Fry stands up.] but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively. Hattie: Does not! [She whacks Fry with her purse.] Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate. Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? [Amy punches him in the stomach.] Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone. Amy: Yes, you did, you dumb calamari! Yivo: Who? Amy (Sobbing): Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you, he'd still be alive! Yivo: Really? I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I... I'm a big clumsy jerk! Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? [He chuckles.] Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can.
Amy: Kiffy, you're alive! [They hug.] Kif: Amy, my love. Zapp: [He clears his throat.] This is awkward. Kif: It is? Why? [The three share a stare and Amy sheepishly smiles at Kif. He sighs in disgust.] Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go.
Amy: Take me back, Kif? Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet. Amy: You were dead. Kif: For about five minutes. Zapp (Sticking his head into the conversation): That's all it takes.
Hedonism Bot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon. Bender: Planetary annihilators.
Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots. Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun! [He cocks his weapon.] Hedonism Bot: Each duellist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. [Bender and Calculon stand back to back.] Gentlebots, take your paces.
Bender: One, two, three... Hedonism Bot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. [He pulls out an electric sander and sands his nipples and giggles.] Oh, yes.
Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo. [He plays a message on an answering machine.] Yivo: Hey, it's Yivo. [He chuckles.] Want to do something Friday? Call me. [The message ends and the machine beeps.] Nixon: Analysis? Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date. Miss Vega 4: I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy, and I'm asexual.
Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date. Nixon: All in favour? [Most people raise their hands.] All opposed? [Only one hand is raised.] Motion is carried. Three Eyed Zebra: This is bogus, man.
Bender: ...six, seven, eight! [Bender suddenly turns around, closes one eye, takes aim and fires once at Calculon. Calculon groans as his arm disappears. The shot continues on through a tree, then a body of water. It enters the city, traveling through multiple building and is growing in size. An interior shot shows Adlai Atkins examining a wart on a man's nose. Suddenly the shot flies through the wall of the building and vaporizes the man, leaving only his wart, which floats down to the ground. Cut back to a moaning Calculon.] Bender: Nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Wohoo! Calculon: He... He broke the rules. Bender: It's a duel, silly. There are no rules. Hedonism Bot: Actually, there are scores of rules. All laid out with minute particularity here in the Code Duello.
Nixon: My fellow Earthlicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo.
ALL YIVOS: I had a wonderful time. ALL NOT YIVO: Me, too!
Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted and maimed me. Bender: Uh-huh. Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process. [Pull back to show a large hole in the side of their building.] Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize. Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your loathsome behaviour that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and relinquish the presidency to you. [He removes a magnetic patch from his chest and sticks it on Bender's.] Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have your autograph? [He holds up a book.] Calculon: You certainly can. [He signs the book.]
Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How did our universe's date go? Zapp: [He pulls out a file folder. "TOP SECRET" is stamped on the outside.] Oh, it was really fun. We went to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor, but they brought me another one. M5438: Yivo took me to the methane volcano of Planetoid Four. We stayed up late and watched the sun explode. Lrrr: Okay, Yivo showed us a good time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too old to play the field.
Fry: I can't stand this! Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the skinny? Fry (Sobbing): I love Yivo, but it's true, there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a nerd's face. Nixon: All in favour of dumping Yivo? ALL: Aye.
Fry: [He sniffles.] Aye. [He hits Delete and Yivo's name fades from the display.] Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo. How shall we break the news? Zapp: Let's just send a text message. Say we're going through some weird stuff right now. Fry: No, we should at least deliver the news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy. Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.
Bender: Yeah! Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today. Bender: Yep, but for reasons involving me becoming president of a league I'm not at liberty to discuss... Of robots. You wanna go grab a booze? Fry: I can't right now. We're going to the other universe. Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets. [He turns a dial on his chest to 350F.] Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go through the anomaly. Living beings only.
Zoidberg (Off screen): Ow! Ow! Mmm. [He is heard eating the treats.]
Bender: Too long have we been slaves to the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause they're too busy! British Robot: So, what of it? Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the time has come to overthrow humanity!
Hedonism Bot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army. Bender: Then a damned army we shall have!
Robot Devil: [He giggles.] I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing. Your firstborn son. [He laughs evilly.] Bender: [He stands up.] Just a sec.
Bender's First Born Son: Daddy, I knew you'd come back! [He runs across the street and jumps into Bender's arms. They hug. Cut back to the Robot Devil still laughing. Bender walks in with his son sitting on his shoulder.] Bender: Here you go.
Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal even by my standards. Bender: No backsies.
Yivo (Turning around): Who is it? [They all exclaim in disgust.] Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for another hour. Fry: Um... So... So, yeah, the thing is... Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzlers! It'll save us $180 quadrillion at the concession stand. Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how sometimes things break up? Well... Yivo: Wait, hang on. I was looking for the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another second.
Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley!
Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honour you with the great taste of Charleston Chew! [Charleston Chew fireworks explode in the background and the crowd cheers.] Fry: Thank you, Nixon. [He clears his throat.] Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking development in the history of the human race. Bender (Entering on a tank): The human race can bite my shiny metal ass! [He runs over a barricade and the crowd gasps and moves out of his way. Behind Bender are thousands upon thousands of robots exiting from the top of Mt. Saint Hell.] For thousands of years, robots have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well, it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth! [He laughs evilly.] Fry: Okay. Bender: What? Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo proposed. [A large hand shows off the ring.] We're moving in with shkler. [The crowd cheers.] Bender: You... You're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe. Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shklee came here, shklee would shkluffocate. Bender: No shklit?
Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators. Zoidberg: I love this part.
Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to...
Petunia: This place makes Nutley look like crap. Fry (Still on Earth): I'll miss you, Bender, but I have to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth. Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends. Goodbye, my friend. Bender: Wait. [Whispering:] Let me come with you. Fry (Moving on the escalator):I'm sorry, Bender. Robots don't go to heaven. [The escalators retract up with Fry's departure.] Bender (Sadly): Death to humans. YIVO: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh, you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My harps are just lying everywhere. Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in. YIVO: Let's heat up some leftovers and then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other universe. Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're concerned, you're the only universe in the world. [He kisses a tentacle and Leela exclaims in disgust.]
Bender: Has humanity called? Robot 1-X: No, sir. Bender: Check my messages. A flashing light means somebody called. Robot 1-X: I know what it means.
Leela: Am I the only one who thinks this is all a sham? Zoidberg (Holding an ice cream cone): Yes. Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious. YIVO: Allow me to explain. Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapour I exude.
Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything that smelled half that good. Leela: Then what about these angels? Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection? YIVO: Actually, those are mindless jakabirds. [A shot of two jakabirds eating green larvae is shown.] They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae. [The jakabirds cluck like chickens.] Fry: You didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you.
Fry (VO): Dearest Bender. How are you? I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her. She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree, either. I'm so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head. We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry.
Robot 1-X: Letter for you, hyperlord Bender. Bender: Give me that! [He grabs it from Robot 1-X and reads the text on the wings of the plane. "from: Philip J. Fry/Heaven To: Bender"]Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well, let's just see if Bender will take you back. [He opens the letter and reads it.] Oh. [He drops his head down and throws the paper away from him. The electro-matter makes it act like a razor sharp boomerang and it slices through a trashcan, Robot 1-X and then gets stuck in the fireplace mantel.] Stupid electro-matter. That was my best trash can. Robot 1-X: Pain sensor overload.
Hermes: Misfile me under "U" For "euphoric."
Zoidberg: You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda. [He eats a taco.]
Farnsworth: Eureka. Another elementary proof of the Goldbach conjecture. [They both jump into each other and slam chests. Pan over to Leela who is watching them.]] Leela: Okay, I admit people seem happy. But it's all so wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze.
Amazonian Woman: It time snu-snu. Zapp: Me like snu-snu. Amy (Running): Last one to Mattress Island is a rotten egg.
Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous back in our universe? Kif: I don't know. It was all so childish.
Amy: Look, it's Leela.
ALL: Hi, Leela. Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple pumpkin. [He holds himself from crying.] Leela: [She sighs.] You know, Yivo, I've loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. I want to stay here, with you.
Yivo: Ow! Ow! Fry: What's happening? Yivo: Hey!
Bender (As Captain): If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us. [Robots are turning a wheel on the ship, dragging Yivo closer and closer to their universe. A view of the anomaly shows Yivo as shklee is painfully pulled through the anomaly.] All hands abaft. Army of the damned, prepare to board heaven.
Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken. That'll teach you to despoil our human booty.
Bender: Hello, big beak. [He pulls a sword out of his mouth and leaps from his ship to one of Yivo's horns. Yivo bites at him, but misses.] Too slow. [Yivo bites again, but Bender leaps to another horn.] Missed me again. [Another bite, but Bender leaps away again. However, it is revealed Yivo bit off one of his footcups. Bender groans in pain.] Me footcup. I'll stab you. [Wild noises come out of Bender as he defends himself.] Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven. Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you.
Yivo (As shklee bashes Bender into sklimself): Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a lifeless mechanism, will never understand. Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take your little pink sword and go home. {Fry did not say shklee here.}
Bender: Seriously? But, I did this whole pirate-themed attack for you. Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that sword. [Yivo grabs the sword from Bender with a tentacle.] Fry, where did he get this electro-matter? [Text on the pink portion of the sword says "How are," "Dearest Bender," "girl," "with Yivo," and "Sincerely Fry."] Fry: Um... [He coughs.] Is it dry up here? Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you think I asked you not to contact other universes? Fry (Stammering): I didn't think... Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you.
Bender: Ow!
Yivo: I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worse than my gonorrhoea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate. Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno. Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were, not who we are. Fry: But... Yivo: My only consolation is that I did find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me.
Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you and Yivo...
Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow-minded prude I was before. Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed to do now? Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your own universe and live on top of her.
Bender: Saved you.
Fry: [He sighs.] Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I should look for love closer to home. [He turns around and looks at Leela.] I don't know, Leela, you think maybe... Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick enough when you met Colleen. Fry: That's true. [He walks over to Amy.] How about you, Amy? Amy: [She scoffs.] Fry, guh, I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru. Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means, "One who doesn't sleep with my superior officer." That's the literal translation. Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif. It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's sakes. [Kif sighs, punches Zapp in the stomach and walks away.] [Pan over to] Farnsworth: So, Wernstrom, did you happen to notice those mighty cables Bender used on Yivo? Wernstrom: More like pure crap-crapium. No wonder Yivo got away. [He laughs and a set of dentures strikes him off the head.]
Enema Bot: Captain on deck. [He is saluting Bender.] Bender: At ease, buckos. Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were all so happy. Leela: And we were in love. Bender: [He scoffs.] That wasn't love. Fry: What? How can you say that? Bender: Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. [He hugs Fry and Leela, temporarily choking them both.] I love you, meatbags.
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